“Death is not only physical dying. Death also means going to the full depths of things, hitting the bottom, going beyond where we’re in control. In that sense, we all go through many deaths in our lives, tipping points…
But when we go into the full depths and death of anything…we can come out the other side transformed, more alive, more open, more forgiving of ourselves and others. And when we come out the other side, we know that we’ve been led there.” - Richard Rohr, Franciscan Friar & Mystic
When embarking on any creative endeavour (building a business, a house, a book, a marriage, a life) we are led into uncertainty, humbleness and awe.
We rub against our limitations—some real, some perceived—and inevitably find a need to “pivot” to move forward. At this pivot point, a voice usually comes through saying: why not give up, why not just kill the thing.
Yes! Kill!
Many artists and big thinkers talk about the art of killing off what holds you back. “Part of us has to die if we are ever to grow larger,” says Franciscan friar & mystic Richard Rohr.
Though, admittedly, I’m only just beginning to know what to kill and how to kill. It’s not simple or obvious (arg!). It’s a slow unveiling, like the peeling of an onion, and it comes forward in the jagged rhythms of a person’s creative practice.
Creative Acts Stem from Dreams
In this rhythm of building up momentum every day to create, it starts to become obvious that our creative acts are desires. And then it becomes clear that our desires dance with the old hardware inside us. Following our desires is really, at its core, about finding and experiencing more love and more freedom in our lives. But the desire catches on old wiring.
This perspective from artist & author Scott Erickson strikes at what I’m talking about and takes it further:
“A dream is a version of your life or a version of yourself without any weaknesses or vulnerabilities. I think the dream dies [or transforms, I’d say] in order to get out of the way to get to the deeper desire because the path of desire is one that you’ll have to walk with your vulnerabilities, and vulnerabilities aren’t necessarily weaknesses or limitations. It’s your relationship to them, how you feel about them. Do they cause you to feel deep shame or disconnection?…
[you] realize your vulnerabilities are the way you learn to connect to yourself, to others, and the divine.”
Hearing this from Scott was emotional for me. And so last year, I introduced a death practice into my writing process.
One of the many things that came up was my relationship with disappointment. I realized that it’s one of my roadblocks. When I get close to feeling disappointment in myself & others (feeling misunderstood, receiving rejection letters, not achieving the level of output I desire and expect from myself, the list goes on!), I pull back, I lose my steam and drive.
I remain in the process of “kill it off.” It’s a slow burn. And, might I say, as Erickson says, it is helping me connect with that part of myself that is calmer, steadier and doesn’t feel so alone or in need of validation.
Here’s the little death practice I use (it’s a riff off of an Emily P. Freeman teaching):
Ask yourself: What am I expecting right now?
Write it down. Stare at your list in disbelief (my expectations are horrifying!).
Ask yourself: What are more reasonable expectations?
Final step: burn/crumple/stab/stomp on/delicately release that first list.
Repeat, whenever you feel you’re in the way of your progress.
A toast to the death practice! Which always brushes the clutter away and focuses the mind on what is most essential. If you’ve tried one, let me know. And if you have others, I already want to use them! Do share.
I love these ideas Nadia! When I get a rejection, I send a wish that the journal rejecting me (and the writer in “my”place) have great success with that publication and another wish that there be some success for me somewhere else. :)